Constructive Criticism And Handling Criticism In Personal Life

Giving constructive criticism

If you need to give criticism then check it is specific and not a personal attack.

‘Chris, I’ve noticed your sales figures have been low these last two months why is that?’

Not, ‘Chris, you’d better pull your socks up and get some more sales otherwise it’ll be curtains for you.’

Don’t jump to conclusions; they might be the wrong ones. Chris’s sales figures might be low because he has personal problems or ill health. The why question is vital in case of criticism.

Give the other person the chance to reflect on it and state his case. You can then go on to ask for suggestions to bring about desired change, for example, ‘What are your ideas for improving this?’

Handling criticism in a personal relationship

Women, generally speaking, are much more vocal about their criticism than men when it comes to personal relationships. This has its roots in the fact that women like to voice their feelings and emotions, preferring to get them out into the open and discuss them whereas men prefer to retreat into themselves, into their ‘cave’. When a man refuses to discuss a problem or respond to a criticism he can often be accused by a woman of trying to wriggle out of it.

In a healthy relationship both men and women should be able to express their criticisms openly, without fear or anger or upsetting the other person, but all too often, in the heat of the moment, criticism when it comes can be construed as a personal attack. This leaves the person on the receiving end feeling bitter, angry, hurt and upset. If the criticism is also given in a hostile or bitter tone of voice, and/or is accompanied by a look of contempt or loathing, then the person on the receiving end is going to be deeply wounded. If this forms a continual pattern over a period of time then the danger signs are that one partner has made a judgement about the other for the worse which can result in that partner either fighting back (sparks will fly) or stonewalling, (generally a man’s response), retreating into silence. This in turn can lead to the eventual
break-up of the relationship.

One partner in this relationship will begin to feel that he or she is the innocent victim of the criticism and that the other person is always picking on them, which can result in that person experiencing a feeling of righteous indignation – ‘how dare he/she?’- fuelling anger. Once these thoughts become an automatic response they are self-confirming: the partner who feels victimized will be scanning everything for some hidden slight to confirm the view, thereby poisoning the relationship until the break-up.

But it needn’t get this far if we can learn to handle criticism in a healthy way. Having an inner confidence and good self-esteem can help but also when you feel inclined to criticize your partner, before you do so stop and think.

For men, when your partner/wife criticizes you don’t side-step it or stonewall it but look upon it as a way of improving the relationship. It is not a personal attack but a means of saying ‘what do we need to do/change to make this situation/ relationship better?’ Listen to her and empathize, don’t rush in to solve the problem.

And for women, examine the nature of your criticism and make it less of a personal attack and more a constructive criticism over what was done, the action or activity rather than the person.

For both, before criticizing or being irritated by what the other person has done or said counteract this with the good things about that person: recall their generosity, kindness, loving, thoughtfulness, fun etc.

Fundamental to successful communication is the ability to understand others. Being able to enter into their inner world, see things from their frame of reference and agree its validity from their perspective.

We cannot communicate more confidently without looking first at ourselves.

Criticism: The Most Common Thing In Life

Criticism is always difficult to take no matter how pleasantly given and very often we can take it personally, especially if it is not given in a constructive manner or the person giving the criticism is not skilled in this, which, let’s face it, few of us are. So how should we handle criticism if we are on the receiving end?

Let’s take an example of the mother-in-law who constantly criticizes her daughter-in-law. She finds fault with her physical appearance, the way she manages the children, the food she cooks for her family, her housekeeping ability and so on, undermining her daughter-in-law’s self-confidence until she dreads going anywhere near her mother-in-law. Her husband doesn’t help as he lets the criticism go unchecked, causing friction in the marriage.

So let’s try looking at this from a number of angles.

The daughter-in-law – we’ll call her Carol – thinks the mother-in-law is a dragon, but instead of facing up to her and dealing confidently with the problem herself she attacks her husband, Michael, accusing him of being weak, uncaring and unloving towards her. Michael feels threatened by his wife’s accusations, unhappy and torn between his mother and his wife and inadequate that he cannot face up to either, so he adopts the tactic of shrugging both off, believing that if he ignores the problem it will go away! Of course it doesn’t: it only gets worse over the years.

So, before Carol plucks up courage to tackle her mother-in-law she needs to give some thought as to why her mother-in-law is behaving like this. What are her attitudes, values, pressures, thoughts and feelings?

Well she could be:

• jealous because she has lost her son to a rival

• resentful because Carol has taken her son away from her
  

• resentful because Carol and Michael have a better chance at happiness than she ever had
  

• jealous because Carol has more freedom than she had and more opportunities
  

• afraid – at being left on her own

• lonely

• frustrated because she has never fulfilled her own true potential
  

• disappointed – because she expected great things from her son and he has married too early and beneath her expectations (no matter how unrealistic).
  

So many things may be influencing the mother-in-law and these may have festered over the years and got blown up out of all proportion because she has never been able to express her emotions and communicate them effectively. If Carol can go into this exchange understanding or at least trying to see where her mother-in-law is coming from, or why she is behaving as she is, it will help her deal with it.

If you are on the receiving end of criticism from a relative or friend, like Carol, or from someone at work, then first consider that the other person has a right to criticize you. If you do not do this then you will behave aggressively. If Carol is thinking ‘What right has my mother-in-law got to criticize me?’ then she will behave aggressively towards her mother-in-law.

However, if you accept they have the right to criticize you then you will also want them to accept that you have rights. The right not to be put down, not to be made to look small or to be subjected to personal attacks; also that you have a right for that criticism to be made in private rather than in front of colleagues or others. Here are some tips to help you deal with this.

If you are unclear about the meaning of the criticism then ask the other person for clarification.

I find this particularly helpful because asking them what they mean gives me time to get the right mindset and to think of my reply. It also means they have to repeat themselves and people rarely say the same thing twice. Say something like, ‘I’d find it helpful, Mary, if you could give me some examples of what you mean.’ Not ‘What the devil do you mean by that!’

Try and separate in your mind the content of the criticism and the way it is given. If this has happened before, say, ‘I accept that your criticism is valid, Laura, but I’d prefer it if you made it less of a personal attack.’

If you disagree with the criticism then say so. Again use the ‘I’ statement, ‘As I see it, that is not what happened’ or ‘My view is different.’ This is a technique that Carol should adopt with her mother-in-law. Maintain steady eye contact. Keep your voice up, rather than letting it sink, but don’t get high-pitched, ‘I don’t believe that!’

The Way To Handle Criticism

As criticism is very common in corporate world, we need to control our emotion. We need to hold our emotion as through criticism other people may do one favor for you- identifying places where you need to do some working to ensure further improvement to achieve success in your career.

Simple Steps To Handle Criticism

1. Listen Impartially

Not showing any negative or defensive emotions when listening will stop you appearing vulnerable or fragile.

2. Summarize What the Other Person Has Said

This means you have understood them correctly and also that you have taken it all in.

3. Ask Questions

The more specific the criticism the more helpful. Find out what you did and when that gave them their impression. This will mean you will not make the same mistake again.

4. Criticism is Rarely Groundless but Often Exaggerated

Decide which elements are useful and what you can do differently to be more effective.

5. Think about How the Person who Criticizes You Looks at the World

Could they have been trying to help? Are they under pressure themselves? Think about why they have these views about you. This could give you some useful self-awareness.

6. Ask Those Who Criticize You for Their Advice

By making them part of the solution they are less likely to criticize you in the future.

7. Thank People Who Criticize You

Not only have they given you free information but you will also disarm them.

8. Re-frame Criticism Which Focuses on What Went Badly

Consider what positive steps you can take to improve in the future and what you have learnt from not succeeding.

9. If You Are Angry, Take It on Something, Not Someone

It is understandable to be annoyed but not very useful.

10. Praise Others for What They are Doing Well

It will give you the moral high ground and make you popular (as well as reinforcing productive behavior).